Review: If the Duke Demands

March 15, 2017

If the Duke Demands by Anna Harrington
Series: Capturing the Carlisles #1
Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

Miranda Hodgkins has only ever wanted one thing: to marry Robert Carlisle. And she simply can’t wait a moment longer. During the Carlisle family masquerade ball, Miranda boldly sneaks into his bedchamber with seduction on her mind. Soon she’s swept into rock-hard arms for the most breathtaking kiss of her life. But when the masks come off, she’s horrified to find herself face-to-face with Sebastian, the Duke of Trent—Robert’s formidable older brother.

Shocked to find Miranda in his bed, Sebastian quickly offers her a deal to avoid scandal: he’ll help her win his brother’s heart if she’ll find him the perfect wife. But what begins as a simple negotiation soon spirals out of control. For the longer this reformed rake tries to make a match for Miranda, the more he wants to keep her all to himself.

Why the fuck is the average rating for this book like 4.3 when I spent 75% of the book wanting to bash the stuffings out of the main love interest with a rusty one-pointed morning star?

But ugh. Since everyone loves it, allow me to present MY version of it.

If The Duke Demands – Khanh’s Version

*Main Characters*
Trent: duke, main love interest. Stodgy and with a stick in his ass bigger than the Washington Monument

Miranda: an orphan who runs an orphanage, in case the author hasn’t made her life tragic enough yet. She also does things like rewrites Shakespeare so that Hamlet contains pirates. 19th century manic pixie dream girl

Robert and Quinn: Trent’s siblings and major fuckbois

Lady Jane: Trent’s aspired future duchess. She is very chill. Perfection. Like a Polar Pop.

Lady Diana: Robert’s love interest. Her hair is the color of afternoon light on a field of wheat

Act—oh, who the fuck are we kidding. Let’s just get on with it

*ahem*

Miranda: Oh my god oh my god. Tonight’s my chance to totally bone Robert, the man I’ve loved my entire life. And how better to do it than to sneak into his room and seduce him? HE’LL TOTALLY SEE ME AS A WOMAN THEN. What could possibly go wrong.

Trent: *sighs mournfully* I am so burdened by the ducal office. It sucks. All this responsibility. And I feel such GUILT, you know? Because I practically killed my dad and all. And by killed my dad I mean I wasn’t there to say goodbye to him after he was injured in a tragic accident that nobody could have foreseen. And to make it worse, I killed my dad/failed to say goodbye to him because I was in bed with an actress! To compensate for my failure, I will be totally perfect and marry only a respectable woman and not do shady shit like meet a chick for a tryst in her room at all.

Miranda: **as Lady Rose** Well, hellooooooooooo!

Trent: Damn, bitch! Gimme some of that pussy!

*bow chicka bow wow*

Trent and Miranda: OH FUCK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Trent: I’ve known you since you were 12. What the fuck?! Who could have foreseen that at age like 19 or something that you’d be a woman and have a woman’s body?! What the hell?! Who could have foreseen this?

Miranda: OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH. Ok, we’ll both forget about this, ok?

Trent: Yeah, I mean totally. I need to find a REAL duchess, and totally not you, cause I know my dead dad won’t approve. So how about we help each other? I’ll halfheartedly help you win my brother Robert, who is courting the lovely Diana, whose hair is the color of starlight upon a blade of grass in midsummer.

Miranda: Deal! In return, I’ll help you find the perfect duchess despite the fact that I’m a simple country girl who has no idea who the fuck is in the aristocracy and no idea how the fuck to conduct myself in the Ton

Act whatever
Miranda: OH MY GOD WE’RE IN TOWN. I’m gonna flitter about being an unpredictable little lady and everyone will love me because I’m just so fucking special and delightful!

Trent: God she’s hot. How did I not realize she was so hot? But whatever, I’m here to court the lovely and cool-headed Lady Jane

Lady Jane: Ta.

Robert: OH MY GOD IT’S LADY DIANA, she of hair the color of spun golden candy floss upon a stick of diamonds

Miranda: MY HEART, IT IS BROKEN. But damn, Trent is so cute. How did I not notice how cute he is?

Trent: Oh god I know I’m supposed to be helping you get my brother but HHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNG damn girl you’re hot. Let me put my hands under that skirt in front of all these people at a play! Let’s hope nobody sees us and you won’t get ruined cause I sure as hell ain’t marrying you lol

Miranda: Oh, no! Trent! I can’t! Why not, instead of doing it in front of a theatre audience, you try to finger me inside a moving carriage first.

Trent: Deal! And remember I’m not marrying you. I want Lady Jane. Right Lady Jane?

Lady Jane: Ta, Trent.

Trent: God. Lady Jane is so perfect, so lovely, so composed. But if only she responds to my caresses the same way that little improper sprite does. Let me kiss Lady Jane and be sure.

**one very proper kiss later**

Lady Jane: Ta

Trent: FUCK, she didn’t even make me hard.

Act who the hell cares

Miranda: OH MY GOD all his wandering fingers have got me feeling tingly. I know I’m not a proper duchess for him but I want to give myself to him. TAKE ME, TRENT!

Trent: You know I ain’t gonna marry you, bitch. But yeah, GIMME THAT PUSSY.

*The next night*

Miranda: Oh my god I’m so stupid. How could I possibly have done that? Given my virtue to someone who will never marry me and who has ruined me? Whatever, let’s do it again!

Trent: YEAH! Get over here, gurl! You know I’m still not gonna marry you, right?

**The next night**

Miranda: WHAT HAVE I DONE? I’ve fallen in love with him out of nowhere. The only way to cure this is by fucking him again, cause surely he’ll see that I’m right for him by proving that I have self-control and that I have the miens of a duchess.

Trent: I’m not gonna marry you, but I WILL have sex with you again!

Miranda: Ok. That’s all I want *_*

**the next morning**

Robert and Quinn: OH FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK TRENT. YOU’RE FUCKING MIRANDA!!!!! Yeah! Yeah! You go bruh! Wait, what were you thinking?

Trent: BE QUIET MOTHERFUCKERS. If you reveal this to anyone I’ll fucking cut your balls and your allowance off. I’m just fucking her. I don’t love her and will never marry her.

Miranda: **accidentally overhears** WHAT? *burst into tears* THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION

Trent: ….but I’ve been telling you this

Miranda: *WAILS AND RUNS AWAY*

Trent: ….

Ugh, I’m tired. Whatever, they had a happy ever after. Ugh, this book.

March 23, 2017

Khanh

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